“The Promise and Peril of Testosterone Therapy — AKA My Love Life.
I thought that someone really knew what they were talking about when I saw this headline a few weeks back, considering that, to me, ‘Testosterone Therapy,’ is surrounding yourself with as much testosterone as you could tolerate — and me, being smack-dab, in the midst of an active, growing sexuality, a shocking married man escapade, a crazy, obsessive, former lover, and an old-new man on the ‘day job train’, I am seeing this “promise” like a deer in headlights —and considering that that’s a sink or swim situation, the peril is clear — as is the discontent with these state of affairs, even as I whinny around from the excitement to try to give myself some clarity.
Oy vey!
Who knew that ‘testosterone therapy’ was the thing that I needed to make my nerves tingle and make my mind do somersaults, even as I writhe with boredom from the slowness of these wonder years?
The simple act of multiplying your male company will lead you into places, so you had better do it right, as there is a thin line between what will make you happy, versus what will hurt you with all that maleness flowing around.
As I have aged, my openness to love and sexuality has changed, as I am a lot more tender that I would like to let on, and with that said, there has been a litany of experiences to divulge, discuss and to even denigrate.
First off, to be female is to be the guardian or something wondrous and surreal, but most importantly, in this era, to be female makes you super powerful, as only a woman knows how much she has hurtling towards her as a result of possessing a vagina — and only she knows the powers that she has to embody to manage it.
A disturbing parallel to this truth is the amount of men who deal aggressively with women simply because they are women — and it is a shamefully grave sign that society has long lost its way, as men cannot survive without the life force of the female, even as they refuse to listen to our qualms about how we would like to expose it — at least, until now.
As I write this, I am conscious of the fact that society is changing, and that the earth is listening to the cries of womanhood, in ways that make the sun shine hotter, and the days a little brighter, and I am here for it!
For instance, this pandemic has slowed us down and stressed us out enough to reveal who is suffering the most, and to no one’s surprise, it’s the “essential” workforce and the marginalized who are taking the brunt of the pain.
From my own estimations, women have shown themselves to be easy targets in the NYC subway system, as well as on the streets, and the types of attacks that women face have been dumbfounding to say the least.
I think of the woman who got kicked down escalators for confronting a bully (summer 2021), and more recently (as of today), the woman whose sneakers were torn from her feet, somewhere in NYC as well.
These are bizarre crimes and I truly feel that they would not occur had the victims had not been female.
As a woman who loves men and male company, I am also always fighting them (verbally and sometimes physically) to respect my boundaries and to consider my rights to their advances.
So often men do things just because they can, and they take the initiative to cross boundaries without being invited to do so, which is a total lack of awareness and decency in my opinion.
I have lived my life trying to battle and express these mores to anyone who would listen, and sadly, not too many have been sentient enough to want to; however, as I said, I do feel that the world is becoming more sensitive because that is the cause that I have lived for, and in my own circle, despite its success, it has come with some drawbacks.
Indeed, I barely have a circle, which is due to much more than my sensitivity, but I do think that because of my concern for people and boundaries, I have had to cope with diminished relationships and impoverished connections — which is mighty fine by me!
However, as I am aging, I am more and more interested in socializing with the testosterone clan, which requires me to be more vocal than I am used to, because they simply need to be taught still, surprisingly even at an adult age.
This is the ‘promise and peril’ that I speak of, as being able to maintain one’s composure and/or holding the fort down as a woman in the company of men is the hardest task known to womankind.
While I enjoy being a sex object, it is not my only aim, and in the company of men, this can be a difficult mantra to sustain.
However, I have worked to be a solid structure and a true maven of my selfhood, and I have to say that the success is bittersweet.
I literally have a few friends, whom I rarely communicate with, so I often feel like I have no friends, which I am completely okay with.
It is sad though, sometimes, the loneliness, but I have such a peace that I would not have it any other way.
In the midst of sorting out my testosterone therapy, I have settled on the one who completely satisfies me sexually, though the complications of such a satisfaction is costly.
I don’t need your lectures about the fact that he is married…all I know is, I cry when he is gone, and being a father of four with two jobs, he is gone a lot!
But my longings are only for him, and his for me, which is all that I have ever wanted from a man. He comes, with no ball and chain to his soul, which is the best gift that I could ever receive.
We don’t waste each other’s time with talk, other than a few necessary niceties. The peace that he leaves is breathtaking, and while I am learning to bottle up my tears — or at least express them on these pages — my hopes are that we are able to live the happy life that we dream of, as this love is clear and breathtaking unlike any other.
It’s hard to be the loving lady that I am but with him, love is all that I know, and I am so thankful for it. I have to say that he came and saved me, and while I was not ready for it, his dedication proved true, which made me the winner that I am today.
To be the woman that I am, is to love in all circumstances and to know love when I receive it, and I am thankful that I did. I can go on and on about how good He is because he is naturally kind and loving, and in today’s world, this is gold!
To have this type of love took time, but with being able to understand mankind and how to treat men, I can say that I have found the promise that was spoken of, and I can say thank God for that!
It is only with patience that love survives and grows old, and I have to say that ours has survived the test of time.
The only way forward now is up!
